transcript: So Lucien Burnoud... You were born in March 1948 and you died in June 1962. Status : Young Ghost. You are about to get your
Poltergeist degree in order to be
an Ordinary Ghost. Are you ready
to pass the exam ? Yes sir. Good, so you're about to scare
out of the hotel your first client. The one in room 407. How are you going to proceed ? You could steal one of his socks. The Livings hate when you do that ! Ernest,
what are you doing here ? Well I'm giving him some advices
for his exam... Get out of here,
you're a pain in my ass. Come on
I'm just helping him out ! I'm a Level 4 Ghost you know...
- No Ernest... We all know you're a Shitty Ghost. It is your rank
and it is a real thing ! You failed your exam
3 times in a row ! You're such a little shit that
we had to invent this rank just for you ! Give me another chance.
-No. We gave you 3 chances Ernest
and you blew them. It's over. Don't listen to him,
so you should steal... Beat it Ernest !
I'm about to graduate so stop bothering us,
shitface ! Well Lucien... Ready to chase away your first client ? Yes sir ! I fucking hate this hotel ! "The Shitty Ghost" Hello !
- Welcome m'am. I have a room
reserved for Menard. Yes you're in 403, here's your key.
- Thank you. Hello, so I...
- Please wait a minute sir. Okay... Hello, so I would like a room
next to room 403 please. You can see me ?
- Yes... I would like a room next to... You're alive ? ...
-Yes I am I... I would like a room... ... And you can actually see me ?
- Yes ! I don't get it ! What's wrong ? So...How can I help you, sir ? I'would like a room
next to the room 403, I don't have any room available next to the room 403.
- Crap. Room 407 is available now... Great ! I'll take it ! Excuse me ?
- I want room 407 ! Sir, I just told you I don't have... You're right room 407 is available !
- Well yes, your colleague just told me that...
- No no no ! I'm not here... You'll have to pay
when checking out. Okay and how much is...
It is a very expensive room okay... Welcome to Switzerland sir... Oh my god... Hey Clara...
What are you doing here Clara ? Oh you are in Switzerland as well,
how weird is that ! I'm here for the festival you know...
-Felix ? Hey Switzerland what are you Clara in...Shit...
- What are you doing in Switzerland ? I was just about to ask you the same thing !
It is so weird to see you here ! I'm here for
the Montreux Comedy Festival you know... Have you seen on Facebook that
I was going to the festival and you followed me here ? I getting sick of your little
monkey business ! Can't you be a normal guy and...
- Wow wow ! Clara chill out ! It's okay... It's just a coincidence
that's all ! Can't you just accept that sometimes
destiny wants two people to be together... You are in this hotel too ?
Great ! Felix, this is Gustave,
a friend from work. Gustave, this is Felix. Felix is you creepy ex, right ? Hi there ! So are you feeling better Felix ? Yes ! Why are you asking that ? I'm so productive right now. I work out and stuff,
I'm reading a lot of books ! Apparently he can see dead people and...
Oh it's him ! Since we are all going
to the festival, we should hang out ! I don't know yet,
I'll have to check... It's gonna be tough for me
I'm very busy... But we could have lunch
if you want ? Why not ! Will you stop that ! What ?
- Those guys are so weird ! Who are you talking about ?
- Them ! Can we talk in private please ? What ? What ?
- Who ? What ? What "what" ? What are you talking about ?! Who are you talking about ?!
- Those guys ! What guys are you talking about ?!
- Us ? Anyway ! I have to check
if my things are... Bye Gustave... I'll see you soon ?... Can you stop doing that ?!
No one does that ! That's an interesting sentence...
- Say that again ! No one does that ! Leave me alone !
- I love this thing ! Leave me the fuck alone ! Okay everyone in position,
he's here ! Seriously what's wrong
with this country ? He's talking to himself... Did you all gang up to piss me off ?
Is that it ?! Okay in... 3... 2... 1... He's shitting his pants...
It's very clear ! Hey guys ! Ernest is about to try and scare
the girl on the 4th floor ! Let's go ! We know he sucks,
let's stop giving a shit about him. Yes but the girl's naked. Come on y'all ! Where's the tall guy ? The one who's not
as dead as you... Dunno, he's probably
wanking over there... Well you're gonna give him
this check and... No ! Wait a minute ! I can't give that to him
because I'm... Dead ? Yes exactly. And I need to ask you
a little favour... What ? You have probably seen
that the hotel is full of ghosts... Yes ... and I am kind of the manager. I would like you to go back
to you room and wait for Ernest, who is a rubbish ghost.
He sucks at scaring people. You act like you are
afraid of him and you storm out of the hotel. So, what you want me
to stay in my room.... Yeah... I can't sleep in it
and I have to pay it afterwards ? No, I can find a way
to pay it. Really ?
- Yeah ! So I have a free room
for the night ? Yes ! With the VOD features ! And can I have free porn ? Sure ! Free porn for you ! Are you leaving sir ? No, I'm staying. You subscribed to... Hum... I see you are
quite the pervert, sir. You can do this !
You can do this ! He's in the bathroom. Step 1 : analyze the victim. Okay he's a little fat
and a bit ugly, that's an easy one. Step 2 : First encounter... Oh ! Steam,
I'm gonna do the steam-trick ! "Steam" So you wrote "steam" on steam,
are you serious ? I thought it would make you... You're the guy who can see us,
aren't you ? Yes but you can't write "steam"
and expect to... Stop that. And expect to scare me, you have to write something like
"Behind You" or " I want your soul" "I want your soul"
that's a really good one ! YOUR not YOU'RE,
spell that right. And don't write like that. It has to be weird and creepy.
- Like a crazy guy ? Yes! That's great man,
I'm gonna try that in a other room ! I'm the guy who can see ghosts. Okay... It worked !
He screamed like a little girl ! So you managed
to chase someone away ? No he just screamed,
but I've never done that before. Give me some other tips.
I wanna scare someone else ! No I... I know someone you can scare ! Okay, since "Psycho"
we are all afraid of showers. So don't be shy ! But what if I touch his willy ? That's a risk
you're gonna have to take. How did it go ?
Did you touch his cock ? A little, but that was fun ! Now you can do
the laughing child in his... No a laughing clown !
Do the laughing clown ! Clowns are scary ? Yeah since "It",
we're all scared of clowns ! Since what ?
- "It". Okay...
- So you stay behind him and you make that noise... Try it ! Okay You suck.
Let's try to speak backwards ! Okay like an incantation ! I saw her walking
and then she touched... My cock... It didn't work, I caughed. I know what you can do !
- Not something dirty ? If you wanna scare people,
you have to go dirty. What are you doing ? I beg your pardon ? What are you doing ?
- Hum... We are making this prank video... For the internet. The internet... Teeanagers nowadays
are a bunch of fuckhead. Okay ! And don't be a shy,
be brutal with this asshole ! Go ! Go ! ... so when I was hired I thought I was a strong element
of this company. And Gauthier was a ... Sorry... Gauthier saw that my... Yeah, where was I ? The company is very... What the fuck is that ?! What...? It's not me ! I swear ! I don't what's going on !
Come back ! Well done ! Okay now we can start Phase 2 ! So you're gonna... Yannick ? Look at this dude... I'd like to talk
with the Ghost Ministry please. What is going on ? I heard you scream
and your door was open ! Oh my god... I've got this ! Demon ! Stop thy torments
and leave Clara in peace ! Stop this madness
and do something useful for society ! Thank you, weird spirit. Now go ! How did you do that ? Your room is stable now
but if anything else happen, call me.
I'm in room 407. Yeah ? Do you want have diner with me ? I'm kind of busy right now. I've got some psychic exercises to do
and some work out but... I'll move stuff around
for you, maybe. Did it work ? Yes !
We're going on a date tonight ! That's great man ! And can you help me tonight ? We can do some
awesome stuff together ! No, I feel ready
to pass my exam and I wanted to practice
on real clients tonight. Please please please, just one last time ! Okay ! You and I
are going to do some Jedi shit ! What now ? Do you know
where I can find some Jed... Sorry. It's the Ministry, they agreed
to let you pass your exam tomorrow ! Really ? I had to do some
ghostly ass licking but they agreed ! Great !
What's the room I have to empty ? Thank you. Bye. Room 407. Room 407 ?
But it's Felix's room ! Oh darn it...
That's a shame... I can't chase away Felix,
he can see us ! They are quite aware of that.
And since it's a difficult task, they thought you'll be rewarded with a Awesome Ghost title. What ? Not Ordinary Ghost
but directly Awesome Ghost ? Directly Awesome Ghost ! No I can't do that. Listen, since the dawn of time, dead people
frighten living people. Even if he can see us, he's just another living guy. You just have to scare him away and you can become
an Awesome Ghost. But he's kind of my friend now. Are you really gonna choose him over us ? ... and since
I came to this hotel I have the gift of telekinesis
and hydrotherapy. Hydrotherapy ? Yes darling.
More wine ? Wow ! I'm just warming up ! Unbelievable !
- I have to go pee-pee. But you stay right here baby. I know you're on a date right now
but I had to apologize. I don't know what happened,
it wasn't me. I really think this hotel is... haunted. No, don't worry. It's one of Felix's scam. What do you mean by scam ? Felix always do that. I don't know how
but it's really convincing. He just does that. When we were together
and we haven't seen each other for a long time He used to come back
with a big beard and to say that
he was from the future and that we had to have sex a lot
in order to protect our future family. Okay... But are you guys together ? No. Because I don't want to be
in the middle of a relationship... No, no !
You're not in the middle of anything... Okay, because I like to hang out with you. I kinda like you, you know. I like you too. Can I see you tomorrow ?
- Okay ! Clara ? Do you wanna see me fly ? I have to tell you something. The Ministry want me
to pass my exam. Really ? That's awesome ! Yes, but you're the one
I have to chase away. Oh, that's not awesome. You can't accept that.
What should we do ? We could pretend.
I go into your room, you scream
and get out of the hotel. It's a good plan but no
I want to stay here. I know,
but I'm asking you a favour... I know and thank you
for what you've done. But Clara and I are in great place
right now and... Listen... Clara, she moved on. Oh I get it !
You're saying that to piss me off so that I can get out
of the Hotel ! What ? Not everyone makes
little schemes like you. I'm telling you the truth here.
- No there must be... Oh you're just jealous actually ! Jealous of what ?
You got nothing ! You're jealous because
I'm still alive and I can still get laid. And since you're dead
you can't get laid ! You're wrong ! I have never had sex
even when I was alive ! That's not suprising at all.
- Yeah ? Well I'm gonna pass this exam !
And you're gonna shit your pants ! I'd like to see that !
Try and scare me you shitty ghost ! Die ! ... No don't die, stay alive because
I don't want to see you again. I hope you'll have
a very long and happy life ! Yeah I want to have a long life ! I hope I'm never gonna die ! Nestor ! Call the Ministry and tell them
I'm gonna pass this exam ! And tell them
to bring a cleaning lady ! Because room 407
is gonna be filled with poop ! Because he'll be so scared
he will shit his pants ! I'd like to talk with
the Ghost Ministry please. What are you doing here ?
- I'm a trainee in the Ministry. So Ernest Desfeuilles. You were born
in September 1940 and you died in March 1964. You are about to
get your Poltergeist degree in order to be an Awesome Ghost. Are you ready to pass the exam ? Yes. You're about to chase away
out of the hotel your first client. The one in room 407.
How are you going to proceed ? I know what he's afraid of. Whenever you want... I can't do that.
- Sorry ? I can't do that. I give up.
- Well done Ernest. You failed for the fourth time ! You just become a Very Shitty Ghost,
good for you ! Go to hell. And now a Very Fat Shitty Ghost ! I just invented it, it's official !
Deal with it, bitch ! I can see you !
- We know that. We just want this chair
to make ourselves a bed. Okay. Sorry but we're not allowed
to sleep in beds here. What's wrong ? Nothing,
I thought it was Ernest. Ernest yeah, you guys broke up ?
- What ? No we didn't,
I mean we're not together ! We are... Wow ! It's okay to be gay...
What's not okay... is to sleep with dead people,
that's fucking weird ! We didn't sleep together,
we're not gay ! I'm not gay, I have a girlfriend
in the room next door ! 403 ?
- Yes 403 ! I just saw 403 going in her room
with a guy... What ? A tall guy ? And you were about
to chase them away ? No they were very cute.
We don't chase away cute people here. Oh ! You're gonna help do something ! Let's say you're my new girlfriend but you're invisible
because you drank someth... Wow ! That kind of scam is not for me,
it's a dude thing. You have to be honest with her.
You go to her, look her in the eye and say " I'm gay, I like to suck dicks,
you got a problem with that, bitch... I'm not gay ! We're not gay ! Ernest and I are just friends ! But Ernest is kind our
little brother here. But he's the oldest. And he would have never
given up his degree, for anyone. He gave up ? Yeah. So don't be a fag
and tell him you love him ! Okay, I'll do that. If it can help,
the guy with 403 has a small penis. But you have a beautiful one. What ? Are you allowed
to get out of the hotel ? I'm a ghost,
I do whatever I want. I'm sorry for what I said.
I didn't mean it. And I think you're
a very good ghost. And you were right about Clara,
I let her go. I want to apologize. It's hard to explain but I have no superpowers. The reason I lied to you all that time,
is because I was scared to lose you. I thought that doing unbelievable things
would make you stay by my side. I'm sorry for all that.
Bye. Wait ! How did you make
my bed levitate ? It's because
I can see dead people. Bye. So it's really over between you guys ?
- Yeah. And it seems that Gustave has a small penis !
- I know, I touched it. And I thought about it.
I'm gonna storm out of the hotel screaming so that you can tell everyone
you scared me. That's nice but it's too late. They canceled my exam. I'm now
a Very Fat Shitty Ghost. And that's permanent. So even if you chase one guy away,
you'll always be a Very Fat Shitty Ghost ? Yeah. So you'll have to do something really incredible to change that,
right ? Yeah... I have an idea. Ready ? Yeah. Let's go. OH MY GOD ! PLEASE HELP ME ! IT'S AWFUL ! Help me !
This hotel is haunted by a ghost !
- What the... Not that guy again ! Don't worry everyone, this asshole
is making a video prank... For the internet.
- Let's go ! OH MY GOD !
What's going on ? What's happening to me ? You're so heavy... They must have wires,
it's for the internet. Plan B ! Do not panick !
It's just what they want ! They wanna create a buzz ! Shit ! Plan C
- You sure ? If you wanna scare people, you have to go dirty. WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME ? NO, NOT THAT ! Please don't rape me Mister Ghost !
Not in the butthole ! NOOOOOO ! Let's never speak about that. Let's just say they ran away
when you pulled my feet. Yeah... We'll see about that. No, let's not see about that... Listen, I'm proud of you
and your friend. The Ministry just called
and they made you an ... What ? They made you an...
- They made me what ? An Awesome Ghost !
A ghost that is awesome... An Awesome Ghost ?
I'm an Awesome Ghost ? Ernest is an Awesome Ghost ? Yes sir ?
- Hello, I'm here to check out... Sure.
So 5 days, it's gonna be so expensive
for your ass... No, it has already been payed, sir. Thank you. What do you mean "thank you" ? Not you.
You shut the fuck up. Let's shake hands ? Look, it's him ! I'm gonna miss you Felix ! He's weird, right ? It's just two guys cuddling,
nothing weird about that ! No Stop ! Stop that ! Shitty ghost !
- What ? Are you done ?
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